I buried my baby this week…
I planted the seed of my dearest dream in the rich soil of this land I call home.
She was with me for such a short time, not nearly long enough for my heart that longs to hold her close in my arms. 12 weeks in utero; just long enough to start to feel like I was really pregnant. Then she had to go.
My second miscarriage within two years. Yes, I wanted this baby, very much indeed. This week, I have faced one of my biggest fears and probably the most intense pain of my life. And I survived. I came through it, even though I thought it might annihilate me.
My mind seeks to know why. Was it something I did? Could I have prevented it? But the why is not for me to know. It is for me to trust. Trust the process. Trust my body. Trust that she had to go for reasons that I don’t need to know and understand, reasons of her own.
My womb feels empty. The last shred of hope annihilated by an ultrasound that visualized my empty uterus.
And so I let go, and I release my baby, my dream, my littlest Love, back to Mother Earth.
I should feel devastated.
I should be grieving deeply.
I should be feeling this loss so deeply that it takes my breath away…
Or so my mind would have me believe.
And there is sadness, and grieving, and loss, processing and integrating this transition.
But the truth is… I feel a deep, grounded peace and even joy, that flows from the depths of my being and tells me that all is well, it is okay. Even if it doesn’t look the way I imagined, even if she has to go (for now), all is well. Life doesn’t make mistakes.
I know she will be back. She will take physical form again and one day soon have a physical presence in my life. Until then, I feel her close, reminding me that all is well and to let life have its way with me.
It’s hard to grieve the loss of someone who still feels so near, so present, and my heart knows the truth – that she’s not really “gone”, only the physical vessel is gone, which for whatever reason was not able to be the perfect vessel for her here and now.
And so I let go. I release the dream, planting it deeply in the fertile soil of this land, to nourish the Earth and Birch tree, whose roots cradle it close. To nourish the new life I am creating for myself here on this land in Gitxsan territory.
And as I let go and flow with this transition, clarity is present. Showing me next steps and reminding me of what it is that I am creating in my life. Seeing the bigger picture that ALL is for my highest good, and being reminded to follow my excitement, follow my joy, and it will lead me exactly where I want to go.
So I am shifting and moving with the flow of life. Making adjustments to my plans and focus, letting my heart guide me through this time of transition.
I’m still throwing the Web Goddess Retirement Party, but the format is going to change a bit to be able to better offer what I am excited to offer, in a way that feels fun and playful and expansive. I’ll share more very soon, with an invitation to join me in the Studio if you’d like to play too…
This week has been challenging, painful even, but it has also been powerful, magical. Letting go of what has been to make room for what is to come. Letting life have its way with me, knowing that it will always bring me that which is for my highest good. It’s not easy to trust this when my dreams seem to be crumbling around me, but I know it to be true in the depths of my being.
I buried my baby this week, but I will not say goodbye, for she is not truly gone. Instead this refrain echoes through my being:
Thank you. I love you. And I’ll see you again soon!